Love Shack Baby!

There you are, minding your own business and then they walk into the room. They walk towards you—cue slo-mo. You sheepishly bat those lashes, they confidently go in for the kiss. You smile and then quickly reject potential kiss to present the pile of dishes in the sink they forgot to do this morning before leaving for work. Not today sweety, not today.

This is just a typical scene of couples cohabitating. ANYONE who says it’s so easy to live with someone else is either a liar or has found some long lost unicorn in some foreign land. Rainbows aside, living together takes finesse, patience, and boundaries. Buying or renting a home together also has its various challenges. So let’s explore.

The Six Month Rule

In high school, my psych teacher taught me a valuable lesson (thanks, Mr. Pillow). Every relationship changes at six months. Six months is the period where you are contemplating a life with this person. It is the time when the infatuation ends and the observations begin. It’s when you’ll notice everything from the way they sip their coffee to the way they manage their money. Keep this in mind for later…

Your Place or Mine?

As time rolls and the relationship becomes deeper with sleepovers becoming more frequent, the “Let’s live together” convo happens. This is a crucial part of the relationship and where things become wide open. it’s mostly justified in financial terms, saving money and all, but it also comes down to not wanting to be apart from your person for too long. So comes the decision on who will be cohabitating with whom. This is where you consider the size of a place, the location, and the ability to house pets. Do they own or do they rent? It gets a bit risky in this instance.

My House, My Rules

If you are moving in with someone who owns their own place, there are some things you should know. They have a routine, a home routine. They aren’t used to having your dirty laundry mixed in with theirs or your soy milk inhabiting the fridge. You might like to wake up at 5am for Yoga Sundays at the foot of the bed and they might like late night hangs with their guests at home. Be aware of these things and open up that communication when considering living in someone else’s home. Love or not, this can be a deal breaker situation. I’ve seen many a relationship fall apart over spilt toothpaste and leaving just one slice of bread in the bag. Talk about everything from eating habits to cleaning routines to cultural routines (there must be rice in the house at all times!)

(Our) House

This scenario entails a relationship that is potentially in it to win it. You’ve been dating almost a year, and they had planned on buying a home. Are you to be buying with them or will they become your landlord? I’ve seen a few couples go through this—they are both renting, one has plans to buy, the other can’t buy. due to low credit or inconsistent job history. It can be sticky because it’s not just a committed relationship, but a committed financial and transactional relationship. Sure, you can hear the wedding bells in a far off distance, but you’re also still considering the “what ifs”.

To the person buying the house, I’m going to go with my mom’s advice—always be prepared for the worst case scenario. I’ve seen some pretty ugly breakups and there can be challenges depending on what type of agreement you have. This is also a conversation to be had, hard or not, you don’t want to a) get stuck with a mortgage you can’t possibly pay on your own, b) have an ugly court battle, or c) have to give up the house all together. Always have a contract between you. I know it’s not the most romantic endeavor, but it is one that will keep you and your heart safe. Look, I’m rooting for you here, but remember communication is key in every relationship, in addition to reality checks.

Crossing the Threshold

“The average cost of a wedding in 2021 was $28,000 (including the ceremony and reception), according to The Knot's 2021 Real Weddings Study.” - Nerdwallet

That’s more than a downpayment most times. I think this is solid advice, and coming from someone who paid $25K for their first wedding. If I had to go back, I would opt for owning a home. Couples just starting out, be smart—do you want to begin wedded bliss in debt or would you rather start building some equity together? Think about what a wedding means to you and whether having an extravagant affair trumps having your very own home. In addition, think of the money you will be saving for the possible wedding of your dreams. Put a ring on it and build for your future together.

Happily Ever After

No matter how you decide to cohabitate, the wisest advice I can give is to talk to each other about what living together will look like. Discuss everything from who will take the dog out to the tourettes you seem to get while sleeping. As I said, it is not easy living with someone you love, sometimes more difficult than family. Have plans, make cohabitation contracts, respect each other’s space, and love and be loved where you live. Happy Hunting!

Broken Hearts and Opened Doors

You’ve lived in this home for over 20 years. Now you and your partner have decided to split ways. Maybe with children, maybe with the now joint-custodied pet, but definitely a situation that can be incredibly emotional and stressful, add selling a home and you’re dealing with a “more than I can handle” situation.

According to the VDH, in 2018 there were over 20,000 divorces in Virginia. We all want that happily ever after and we all want the house it came in! The last thing you want to deal with while splitting up is splitting property. Unless you are fighting for a prime piece of real estate, most couples will sell their home. In Virginia, courts are not required to split real estate 50/50 between both parties. Instead, Virginia divides assets equitably and fairly, depending on who acquired the assets and how much each spouse put in. Judges can rule depending on how each party contributed to the house’s worth or they can rule to transfer the property to the spouse who maintained and improved the property primarily. Yes, I know Mickey did all the landscaping but she bought all the appliances! Not fun. So, to sell it is!

Now comes the hard part. The one where you weep as you pack up your belongings or see an old photo album. The one where you are arguing over who actually owns the signed copy of Prince’s Purple Rain album or you’re both in the kitchen reminiscing about a wooden spoon tale involving their mom and your tail. While all of these things are taking place in your home, you will soon have to publicize it to the world with a For Sale sign. Don’t worry, this too shall pass.

When you decide to choose an agent to sell your home during this time, there are some things to consider. First and foremost, you want an agent who is going to listen to you, whether you are eye-bloated from tears or red with rage or exhausted from the drain of it all, to have a realtor go above and beyond during this time would make a world of difference. Sounds silly right? What do you care if your realtor is there to hold your hand or not? I dunno, I mean I go spill everything to my acupuncturist when I’m feeling overwhelmed, or the nearest bartender. The point being, empathy is not dismissed in real estate.

I recently had a client who had to sell her home because she was going through a sudden divorce. She had to sell it quickly with no fuss. There were good days and bad days for her and all I could do was to communicate with her frequently, give her solid and cost-effective suggestions, and be understanding with her adamant price choice. I had to watch her go through the “death” of her relationship, and as an agent I wanted her to get the best value out of her house and push where I need to, but as her empathizer I wanted to dig the thorn out and sell it as quickly as possible so she could move on.

That’s the thing about agents, we see it all. We see the collected dust on shelves, we see the family photos we ask you to remove, we feel the tension with couples trying to figure it out, and we understand having to give up what will soon be an artifact in your history together. It’s personal. It’s intimate. Our relationship. So although we are watching you close this chapter of your life, we are also trying to help you, well…close, with the potential for a whole new chapter.

My advice is, when you are going through something this life changing, make sure you choose someone who is not only going to give you the truth about what it will take to get you sold, but to also remind you that this is a transition, and you can provide a lighter touch. And yes, I will bring you pizza or a six pack to help you get through it all. You may have built memories there, but you can take this and file it away and move on to that low maintenance condo in the city or that Cape Cod you’ve always wanted. No one wants to be in this place, but sometimes we have to go through it to get to a better one.