Estoy Terminada
I thought I’d sum up my last days in Málaga in a final post. I’m pissed because I wrote some of this already and realized that “save” is a good option. This wasn’t my first rodeo to Spain, but with every trip comes a different experience. This trip was definitely focused on family and I’m ok with that. Spain is a lot like NY for me, it leaves me with utter devastation to leave it, a longing that I crave on days I’m alone with my thoughts.
Málaga is more of a resort town and having visited for the first time in resort season, it left a different exposure. I enjoyed it all the same. I loved reconnecting with my cousin, Nena after some forty odd years. She lost her husband recently and I felt that sorrow in instances, but I also felt her pride for her three girls and all that they’ve accomplished. It was fun to talk to each other before bedtime and to get to know each other’s lives for what they are now. César is a constant, charming as always, fun and vibrant while also so caring and gentle with our family. My Tia who is a beast, I admire her life and how she lives it. When you say “Zero f**ks given” you’ll find her avatar there. She is truly a free spirit, but strong and defiant when she wants to be (I see where I get it from). I really enjoyed my mom. I enjoyed hanging out with her and caring about how she felt. It is hard to notice when you don’t see her every day, but she is quite fragile at times. I also also noticed how American she is in some ways, like you can tell she hasn’t immersed herself in travel as much. I really loved getting to know my cousin’s girlfriend, Irena, who is just sunshine, so sweet and friendly, and a real sweetheart of a woman. I’m happy that my cousin has found her. My family hasn’t had the easiest of life, there are traces of hardships and unknowns with every migration, but one thing is for sure, we do don the recovery of a phoenix.
There is an ease to Målaga that forces you to just submit to the tranquility of things. It is not a place for worry or ire, it instead lends itself to the simplicity of enjoying what is there for you. From the Jacaranda trees to the calm seascape to the sophistication of it’s Port to the architecture, Målaga is a place to breathe in. I enjoyed breathing for a moment. I did have the stress of the job with me, and I also realized that I have become very American. The American who has to check their email daily, to answer those unanswered queries that can wait, to feel anxious and guilty about soaking up Vitamin D, and to remember this is for a brief moment, that responsibility lingers beyond the sunset. It really makes me sad when I think of the ascent through the clouds upon leaving.
I think of this life and what I’ve made with it, how I want to live it in my golden years. Am I happy? Is this everything I could dream of? Will my mortgage be paid? Will the lights be on when I arrive? Will I fit just as comfortably as I did when I left the desk chair I so intently need to settle in daily? When will I arrive on these shores again and feel the sand between my toes? Hopefully sooner than another ten years. For now I’ll just sit back and have paella and cake while my Aunt celebrates 81 years of life where it looks as though she is just getting started. I know I leave loving my family more, loving this country more, and appreciating my time here.